my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
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Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Finally, an explanation.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
So the ex texted me
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?