Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit