[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
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JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?