You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!