I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
You Might Also Like
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Rather alarming headline…
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Not all heroes wear capes…
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”