Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Important reminders
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.