*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.