If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My beach vacation Google searches
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO