Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12