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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
LOL
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Awesome parenting 😂
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
January is lasting longer than my marriage