My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Going to church you guys need anything
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.