*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.