an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
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You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed