Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Hard not to take this personally
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do