*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.