Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
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Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.