Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Weirdly Wednesday.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”