my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Encore…
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country