Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My kitchen overserved me.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”