Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
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People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Ain’t no way
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
sistine chapel
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.