doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My wife gives the best headache.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Never let them know your next move 😂
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep