The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.