DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
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did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.