ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.