First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
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Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.