😲 WTF? 😆
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.