elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I was just discussing this with my cat
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”