the prophecy has been fulfilled
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Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.