The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”