[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
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My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Brilliant!
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
(2022)
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women