People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.