Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .