DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
You Might Also Like
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.