Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
WTF
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Wait a minute…
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Ugh but profoundly
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I think they could have phrased this better
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything