My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*