I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
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me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Lmao
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.