i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Today’s Times
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.