I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Oops
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.