Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
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I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way