I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
and now we wait
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Festive toon…
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?