If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
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CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I have never related to a cat more
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?