My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Huge, if true.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Lol