Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Mhm.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.