As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
You Might Also Like
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
me, after any kind of buffet.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?