🤣dope
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MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor