Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Thursday Thought.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.