America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
what kind of cook setting is this??
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?