Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons