I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.