If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
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I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this